Confessions of confusion
I am going crazy. Sometimes I think I want something and then I find out that I don't, and this seems to be a reocurring problem. It's hard to be happy with yourself. Just under two weeks ago I went to my ballroom dance class and I didn't want to be there. I've had a lot of stress lately with work and things, and was quite tired. I am confused because I thought I liked to dance. When I went away to university I went to great pains to organize and run a ballroom dance club so that I could experience some of the fun my friends were having in Saskatoon with the U of S club. Now that I am finally part of the U of S club, it's not really what I expected. At the same time I thought I wanted to be in a relationship, but all the worry that's come from it makes me think that maybe I don't. Then with work not going well right now I wonder if I have the right job. Of course since the questions have started, I have become unsure about this idea of being more settled and living in Saskatoon. I don't know what I want or if I ever did. I am really trying to stay with a job and in a city for more than a year. I guess it's been 1 year and 2 months since I've been back here now. When I am away I want to be home, to be 'normal', but it's hard and disappointing when things don't work out the way you would like. Now that I've broken the illusion of 'home' being the calm, secure place I imagined it was, it is even scarier. I wish I didn't feel like my life was falling apart right now.